My emotions ran the gamut today. It really started last night. Rick got mad at me over a scheduling snafu. I didn't (and still don't) see the big deal--We're parents. There are plenty of times that schedules are confusing and inconvenient and exhausting. I just roll with it. But for whatever reason, Rick was not in the mood to deal with it and he was in the mood to share his frustrations with me. Rick doesn't get mad at me very often, so when he does, it really throws me. To make matters worse, he was sound asleep when I got home, so there was unresolved conflict. Consequently, I got terrible sleep.

Then Sarah was a holy terror this morning. I'm not really sure what the problem was, but she would NOT get ready this morning. Just before Christmas break, I decided that I could get a whole lot more done in the mornings if she would dress herself. (Yes, I was still dressing my 7-year-old every morning! I know it makes her feel loved and like she's winning in this ridiculous competition she has going with Luke.)So, I made the announcement that she was a big girl now and she will start dressing herself starting in 2010. It's been a struggle to get her ready for school ever since. And this morning topped them all... She would not get herself dressed. I slapped her clothes onto her defiant little body at the last minute, threatening to spank her every time she gave me an ounce of grief. She was fairly cooperative.

Until we got in the car. She cried when I asked her to buckle up. She screamed at me until I turned the music down. Then she whined the rest of the way because I didn't turn the music all the way off. When we got to the school, she would not get out of the car. I had to park, drag her around the corner, spank her buns, drag her into school and leave her with her teacher. I went back outside through another door and saw her standing in the doorway of the cafeteria. I snuck out to the edge of the parking lot, ducked behind the hedge, and made my way to the van. By the time I got in the car, she was out on the sidewalk in front of the school. I half expected her to dart out into the parking lot and chase me down. As I pulled away, I saw her teacher approach her and knew she'd be fine. (Her teacher is one of the greatest ever!) But my heart was pounding and I was shaking as I drove Luke to pre-school.

I got to his school to find that the really nice director has been replaced by the mean, impatient teacher. I don't know what happened. It was such a sudden shift, it seems sketchy--like the director was fired. And the temporary replacement has been so rude, impatient and down right mean to the kids. For a fraction of a second, I considered applying to be the new director. Then I quickly thought better of it... If my kids were younger, I'd jump at the chance. But Luke's gonna be in Kindergarten next fall, so no more preschool for me... But now I have to decide--Keep him in that school or shop for a new school or bring him home with the sitter.

My morning was topped off by the smallest winner weigh in. I gained a pound. The skinny old lady weighing me in almost got a punch in the gut. She needed to just shut the hell up about her restricted caloric intake and 2lb gain herself... I cried the rest of my way to work.

The whole Sarah episode had me at my wits end and the extra pound just pushed me right over the edge. Last week I read that magazine article about sisters... If the relationship between sisters in complicated, the relationship between mother and daughter is down right incomprehensible! Sarah gets on my nerves like no other child. I have actually slapped her face! (It was horrible. I will NEVER do that again!)

Normally, Sarah is fairly helpful at home. She can always locate that elusive object the boys can't seem to find. She helps with laundry and dishes and cleaning. She loves to cook and bake. At school she's an absolute angel. She never gets into trouble, always gets compliments, earns lots of trips to the treasure chest, eats lunch in the class room regularly and is collecting Skittles at an almost alarming rate! She was proudly sharing with me one day that she has never gotten her name on the board. In one of my more sarcastic moments, I retorted with something like, "Oh, too bad we don't have a chalkboard at home!" She just knowingly smiled and giggled a little.

My biggest problem with Sarah is that she is so starved for attention all the time. She is always hungry--both for food and affection. It's disturbing and annoying and frustrating. It makes me feel smothered and guilty and concerned all at the same time. She is my constant shadow, which at times can be very helpful and comforting. She is learning great stuff about running a home--I hope. But sometimes her need to be near me is so demanding, I just want to shove her away and hide. And then I hate myself for wanting to run away from my own child. She obviously needs that reassurance, and my resistance just adds to her hunger. And I know I will miss it all when she's an obnoxious teenager. But right now I have a hard time giving her what she needs... Because I have 3 other kids, and a husband, and a job, and a dog, and a house to maintain, and an identity aside from being Sarah's mommy.

I had a close relationship with my mom growing up. It was just her and me. We were tight. Until I grew up. Then I realized that I've never really trusted my mom. She is mentally ill and always has been. I usually accept that she did the best she could, but I still can not allow myself much time in her presence--she's just not a healthy person. And I don't want this with my kids. I want to have a great relationship with my kids and their spouses and their kids. I worry --often-- that my kids will end thinking about me the way I think about my mom... OUCH!

My emotional roller coaster did a loop-d-loop this afternoon when the mail came. My other mother (the one I chose for myself, along with her six kids) sent a gift for my dead daughter's 13th birthday. She always remembers Marquel's birthday. And she always sends us something. A few years ago she started including Sarah in this exchange. She usually gets something for Marquel, knowing it will be used and enjoyed by Sarah. A decorative pillow. A stuffed animale. A jewelry box. She somehow knows this brings me comfort. It has always been my greatest fear that Marquel will be forgotten. Giving Sarah something in honor of her sister's memory keeps Marquel alive in our home, even more so than she always has been. This year Raydelle sent necklaces. One for me, one for Sarah that says "little sister" and one for Marquel that says "big sister".

There is a little part of me that worries what growing up in her older sister's shadow will do to Sarah, though I ususally feel like we manage it well. There's another part of me that is hurt that Raydelle is the only one outside my immediate family who acknowledges Marquel. I know my friends think of her, especially around her birthday, but my own mom has never even sent a card or anything in rememberance of my daughter. Mostly, though, my heart is full and grateful and humbled by the honor of being Marquel's and Sarah's mom. And I'm blessed to have a "mom" like Raydelle.

I read magazines in my spare time (which is code for "hidden in the bathroom, away from my kids"... Until they barge in and find me. I always tell them mommy needs privacy, at which point they reluctantly sulk away. At one point or another, each one has mumbled, on their way out, "What's privacy?" Gabriel used to call it private see--appropriately so. Anyway...) So, I read an article called Momfidence. I think it's in Woman's Day and the author's name is Paula Spencer. I could go find out for sure, but that would involve getting up and going into another room. Not gonna happen.

I like Momfidence because it is just that. I started reading this article several years ago when I started getting all these magazines for cheap through some credit card promotion. When I first read one of her articles, I was a little surprised by how boldly she stood up for her traditional and not-so-traditional values. There was no wishy-washy, apologitic, policically correct language. It seemed real, and that is so rare in the world. It was refreshing. And it helped me feel confident in my own values and the choices Rick and I make for our family.

I share many of the same values as Paula. I disagree with some of what she writes. But either way, her articles--infused with her own confidence as a mom who knows best for her own children--have offered me the freedom to make my own choices for my family, even when those choices seem to go against conventional practice.

I have always felt I was different from everyone around me... I grew up in a low-income, single parent home in the middle of Raleigh Hills, surrounded by almost wealthy, two parent families with stay-at-home moms and big houses and nice cars and summer vacations at "the lake" (whereever that was!) Not only was my mom single, she had never married my dad and I had never met him. She wasn't "divorced" and I didn't have weekend or holiday visits with a dad. These things made me different from my peers, especially the ones at church.

As an adult, I went on to marry outside my religious denomination, to further ostrasize myself from my cohort. For many of my adult years, I struggled to find a place in the mainstream and still hold on to my individiuality and uniquness. One day it finally occured to me that I am who I am. I like who I am. My friends and family like who I am. There's nothing keeping my on the "outs" except me.

What changed and how did it happen? I suppose my perspective changed, and it happened over time. This momfidence article helped. My ten-year high school reunion was enlightening. Conversations with other Mormons, with my friends, watching Dr. Phil, raising my kids, nurturing my marriage. Surviving my husband's deployment and then he return to society. Managing a household. Running a business. Life, I guess. I think I grew up. Weird, huh?

I recently picked up the Momfidence article and read the title, something about sisters. Before even reading further, I had ideas swirling in my head. I have sisters, sort of, and our relationship is unique and beautiful. I have daughters who are sisters, and their relationship is unique and beautiful... The title of one magazine article has sparked so much thought! Again, weird! Stay tuned for blogs about my own sisters and my own daughters...

I have followers!

So, I just posted and checked out my blog page. I have followers! It's so cool. It's like I'm a rock star, only I can't sing... I'm PINK, without the voice talent. I'm INK! Get it? 'Cause I'm writing instead of singing... Oh, am I ever clever! (And I rhyme without even trying... though I'm not sure I spelled rhyme correctly. Is that right? It doesn't look right... I could just spell check... It's spelled right.)

Wow, I am spazy right now. These followers have me on a natural high... Or it could be the 30 minutes spin class I just took... Totally fun, but my bum really hurts from the bike seat. Or it could be the four pieces of chocolate I just ate :)

Thanks for following me, followers! I commented on your comments, if you feel the need to keep up with the dialogue. This is fun!

So, this weekend was "that time of the month" for me. You know, it's bad enough that I have to endure the pain and suffering of a short menstral cycle (we're talking 25 days, ladies! I haven't done the math, but I know I'm getting screwed here!) but to have it on a three day weekend is just mean. I had big plans to take my kids swimming. That went out the window. I had big plans to do my Wii fit 2 or 3 times and maybe even get an elliptical workout in. No way. My uterus was working plenty hard for the rest of me, thank you very much. I much prefer to be at work. I'm already stuck somewhere I don't really want to be, doing something I don't really want to do. I may as well get the cramps and bleeding out of the way while I'm there, right? (I really do like my job, but I love being home with my family way more, so I'd rather not suffer when I get to be home.)

What really sucks about my period... I am done having kids. Why do I need to continue with this madness? I don't buy diapers anymore. I don't have bottles in the house. No more breast pads or nursing bras. The pregnancy undies are long gone. So why do I still have to subscribe to the squeeze-my-guts-out-make-me-crazy-painful-torture journal of unfriendly medicine? Huh? It's bad enough that carrying the kids for 9 months, birthing them and nursing was my job alone. Now that I don't even get the accomplishment of those feets, I still have to live with the possibility of reproductive ability. My spouse doesn't have to go through all this. His babies are all born. His chances for getting me (or any other woman, for that matter) pregnant is nill. (Believe me, I know this. I wanted the vasectomy to fail, but it's been holding strong for 4 years now. I'm done wishing for failure.)

The way I see it, the only purpose my period serves (aside from the money I shell out for products and pain relief) is that it reminds my husband that he, too, fears something!

The Smallest Winner

Well, a team of us from work have signed up for a weight-loss/fitness program through our local pool and the hospital. It is a 10-week program and there are prizes for the "smallest winner"... It's focused on healthy weight loss, not the bootcamp torture we all so enjoy watching on television.

We weigh-in once a week, attend a weekly support/education meeting and can use the pool on Tuesdays as part of the program. Great, right? Well, yes, I get to have some extra support in my weight loss goals, and I get to do it with ladies I really enjoy spending time with. And they are ladies who are good to lose weight with... There are some people that I don't even want to talk about my weight with (Oh, these sentences ending in "with" are killing me!) But I feel like these ladies are and will continue to be (you better be!) supportive and encouraging. And there's no awkward competition. (Although I am the heaviest among us and don't think I haven't noticed!)

I have a friend who participated in a biggest loser type challenge with a random group of ladies. All participates put money into the pot and the one to lose the most weight got all the money. My friend won and I was excited for her. I followed along as she checked in about the challenge (on someone's blog, I think). But I was also glad I was not in the challenge. I am not particularly motivated by money, so the prize was not that enticing. And some of the interactions just seemed so competetive and almost nasty. I don't really want to compete against my friends... I want to encourage them and cheer them on. So, I'm glad this is a team effort, so I won't feel tempted to bring krispy kremes to our work meetings.

So, last night we went to our first support/education group. To describe it in a word: BORING. Oh, and ANNOYING. Well, it was only slightly annoying, because I am motivated right now and I was sitting next to a dear friend whose cheerfulness and enthusiasm for EVERYTHING rubs off on me. It was boring because it was a lecture. And it was a lecture on stuff I have already heard and read and studied and tried a thousand times. It was annoying because two VERY thin women who exercise more than I eat (and that's a lot!) were up there talking about their weight-loss goals and how hard it can be to get motivated.... The one young woman with the amazing body wasn't so bad. She is just so gorgeous, I can not be annoyed by such perfection. The older lady, who was tall and thin, just kept going on and on about her struggles with eating cheese and not wanting to go on a run some days. When she said "running in the rain is no fun" I thought "ah, running is no fun!"

When she was describing the cycle of dieting, she talked about how it's Monday morning and we are all pumped up to start this new program. Then we go gung ho for awhile and then start to feel deprived... At which point I said, "and it's Monday afternoon!"

Well, I was all gung-ho to create this new blog, and now I'm struggling to find something to write! I have been thinking about following a project like the Julie and Julia that inspired me to re-enter the blogosphere. My current projects are parenting and weight loss... I know I'm the only one interested in most of the parenting project. And the weight loss thing can be so humiliating!

I joined weight watchers online almost a year ago. I have a specific weight goal in mind, but I am not on a diet. I am changing my lifestyle, so that the weight loss sticks for life. Back when my husband was in Iraq, I did the low carb thing. It was extremely effective. I got down below my pre-pregnancy weight from the first kid (um, that was 5 babies ago. That's a big deal). One of my brothers-in-law even noticed. But the low carb thing is not a lifestyle. I'm not even sure it's really a diet. I think it's a torture device left over from the cold war. When the soviet union was dismantled, the KGB sold torture secrets to stablize the economy and John Atkins was their highest bidder!

Low carb nutrition is just mean. Taking carbs out of a woman's life leaves nothing meaningful. Food just becomes something you consume to fuel your body. There's no passion. No love affair. And I know why it works, too. A person can only eat so much chicken and vegetables before just giving up on eating. Surprisingly, I was actually able to maintain the diet for about 9 months. But remember, people, my spouse was in another country. There is no possible way for a woman to remove carbs from her diet and live with a man without hurting him!

Anyway, my loss now is slow and steady. The line on my weight loss graph is more of a southward wave. Intellectually, I know this is what I signed up for, what I am consciously choosing and ultimately what I want. Without making drastic changes, and without sending my husband to the ER, I have been able to lose nearly 15 lbs. This seems so ridiculously puny when I consider that I have been at this for a year! But it's 15 lbs less than I weighed last January. And that's a hell of a lot better than 15 lbs heavier!!

It's my 20 year high school reunion this summer (I can hardly believe I actually typed that out. 20 years?! When am I gonna start feeling like an adult?) and I'd like to look fabulous... Or at least not be the fastest gal in my graduating class. I was five months pregnant with no. 3 at our 10 year. That was a nice distraction from the size of my butt. I have no excuse now, and I can't even hurry up and get pregnant. The darn bank's been closed for years.

I got a Wii Fit Plus for Christmas. Who would have thought that wiggling around on a big piece of plastic could make a lady so sore. That hula hoop thing is torture. I wonder if the Wii people got a deal at that KGB auction?

Here we go again...

I used to have a blog, but yahoo closed the page... and I kinda got sick of writing it anyway. I am leary about blogging the gooey details of my life all over cyberspace. What if a stalker reads my postings?! Oh well, you only live once, right? And I don't have to give out my true identity. I can be like a superhero incognito. Like Wordgirl :)

Well, I don't have much to say today. I saw the movie Julie and Julia, which inspired me to start blogging again. (I wonder how many blogs have been started as a result of seeing that movie. That would be an interesting, yet utterly useless statistic!) Anyway, cute movie. What struck me most about watching the film was that my dear husband sat through the whole thing with me--didn't fall asleep or start doing something else at all.

I commented that now I want to get that cook book and make some yummy french food... The next day I came home to find my husband searching the internet for that book--the Julia Child French cookbook. What a sweet man I married!

And I agree.... butter is amazing!