No More Babies on Board...

Okay, I know I’m supposed to be blogging about Hawaii (before I forget all those details) but I had a strange dream last night. Often times, I have lucid dreams—I am aware, while I am dreaming, that my body is laying in bed asleep and the images I am seeing are in my mind. Other times, my dreams seem so real that I wake up worried and wondering. You know, dreams where your spouse cheats on you and you wake up totally pissed off? This morning I had one such dream. But not about infidelity. And not about Rick.

In my dream I still had my first car—Sassy B. She was a 1980’s Toyota Corolla Wagon. I was driving around in Las Vegas, visiting my college roommate Amy (who has lived in Idaho for like five years now). Two of my kids were buckled up in the back, Luke and Elijah. Sarah was in the front seat. Gabriel was not with us. He was at camp, which he is this week. Above Sarah, buckled into the seat, was a baby car seat with Luke as an infant in it. When I saw him, I immediately thought, “Oh my gosh, I haven’t seen him in so long. I haven’t been taking care of him. I haven’t held him or fed him or changed him in like forever.” My dream went on in weirdness, as dreams do. At one point I was walking with a random Job Corps student. We both had luggage and we were on our way to the airport in Vegas. I thought I knew the way because I had gone there so many times to visit Amy (We always drove down from Provo. I don’t think I was ever in the Vegas airport in college.). We were hiking up these long, gravel roads to get there and I got lost. I couldn’t figure out how to get back, so I called Amy. She showed up and lead the way, past a large pink, marble building which she reminded me was the location of her wedding reception (Her reception was in a Mormon church building. Not pink. No marble.) Anyway….

What really got to me about the dream is that I woke up feeling like I had been neglecting Luke. Like I really hadn’t held him or spent any time caring for him. I even sort of felt like he was still an infant. At first, I was afraid that the dream was telling me to spend more time with a child I’ve been neglecting. This really had me worried because I’ve already lost this kid—literally—a couple times before. And he’s the youngest, so he is already naturally getting less from me than his siblings before him at the same age. I’ve also already lost a baby in infancy, so I am prone to bouts of seemingly inexplicable mourning.

But then as I started to really wake up and go about my morning, I was able to process the dream. Luke is 5 years old now. He starts kindergarten next month! We went school clothes shopping yesterday. Carter’s and Osh Kosh were having a great sale, with a coupon I could piggyback on the sale (but I digress—screaming deals on kids’ clothes is a blog all it’s own!) Anyway, both of these stores are only good up to a certain age/size. So, my dream was not about my lack of parenting. It was about my loss… I am losing my babies. Luke has completely mastered potty training this summer--He wears undies to bed and wakes up dry (WHOOP WHOOP). He is not asking for “babas” (warm milk in a sippy cup). All the kids did such a great job of self-managing at cousin camp this year! Gabriel is away at his first boy scout camp… for a whole week! The kids are growing up. I’ve lost my babies.

I love that my children are growing up. I’m done with bottles and binkies and diapers. That is totally awesome! But there’s a part of me that mourns the loss of that tiny, little baby I saw in the car seat last night in my dream. I held that baby in my arms and didn’t want to let go. It brings tears to my eyes now to think that I will never have those teeny, tiny infants in my arms again. I don’t even really like babies. They are so high maintenance! But I will miss them nonetheless. I look forward to watching them continue to grow and mature and amaze the world. And I look back on their beginnings with fondness and a small sense of loss. Now I know why grandmas are so irrationally gaga over their grandbabies! But Gabriel’s only 12 years old, so I figure I’ve got more than a decade to wait for that adventure… maybe I should start making baby blankets now…