It is a busy Monday morning at work and I am supposed to be catching up on all the stuff I didn’t get to on Friday. But this weekend is fresh in my mind, so I want to get it all down. Our 14th wedding anniversary is on Tuesday and we go to our honeymoon spot—Long Beach peninsula in Washington—every year to celebrate. We planned ahead a little bit this year, so we were able to get a yurt (a round camping cabin) at Cape Disappointment. There usually aren’t any yurts left because our anniversary usually falls on the same weekend as the Cranberry Festival, but for some reason there were still yurts available when I booked one in August.
Despite our best efforts to leave town at a decent hour, we were not ready to get on the road until well after dark, so we decided to just stay home Friday evening. The kids had no school Friday, Rick did not work and I took the afternoon off. But after grocery shopping, packing, the boys’ paper routes and a late dinner out… we got home after dark and remembered that the trailer lights weren’t working. Rick was not willing to drive without the lights (we got pulled over on our way home from the last trip) so he started working on them. By the time he was done it was pretty late. We figured we would not be able to get a key for the yurt and our beds are so much more comfortable….
And the best part: the kids had a blast playing hide and seek or was it tag? in the front yard while Rick worked on the trailer. And they were happy to go to sleep in there warm, cozy beds. I got online to try and figure our reservation out. I wanted to just get a phone number to see how late we could get a key. When I looked up the reservation, I saw the total price for the yurts and realized why there were so many available so late in the season. The yurts in Washington are $65 a night!?!??! A hotel on the peninsula is less than that!!! I didn’t look at the total price when I made the reservation. I just assumed it’d be around $30/night, like always! After seeing the price, I was motivated to get the reservation changed, since we would not be going Friday night. I explored my options and figured that I could just cancel the whole thing, get our money back, and then pay for Saturday night when we got there.
We got up early-ish Saturday morning and headed out first thing. The office (with the yurt key) did not open until 9am, so we went straight to the yurt to cook breakfast on the porch. While I drove the campground crazy cooking bacon, Rick went up to the office to check in. The ranger guy was having trouble figuring out how to cancel/re-reserve the site, so he sent Rick back to camp with the yurt key and reassurances that he’d figure it out later and let us know. While we ate breakfast and settled into the yurt (and Rick tarped off half the campsite in the rain) one of the park staff stopped by and let us know that the ranger guy figured it out and we could stop by the office later. On our way to town for the day we stopped by the office, as instructed. Then the ranger told us our original reservation was non-refundable and by not showing up on Friday night, we forfeited the entire reservation. Then he said that the “new” reservation for Saturday would be $65. But we’d already paid for that night—and the night before! So, we decided to go pack up, then spend the day on the peninsula and head home that night.
About 45 minutes later, we were just about finished packing up when Rick jokingly said, “Now that we’re all packed up, I bet the ranger guy will come tell us that he was mistaken and that we can stay.” Sure enough, about 2 minutes later, the ranger guy showed up and told us just that! He felt bad about having us go, so he made some phone calls and they decided to let us stay in the yurt that night for “no charge” (remember, we’ve already paid for two nights here!) Anyway, we decided to at least leave the trailer and some bulky items at camp and either stay the night or come get it all on our way home.
We then went to Long Beach for the day. We played in the arcade. We bought a pound and half of fudge. We got ice cream. I found a new fabric store!!! So, I got some fabric to add to my collection. (At Rick’s suggestion 14 years ago, I’ve been collecting fabric—1/4 yard at a time—every year. When I have enough, I will make an anniversary quilt. But a few years ago, the fabric store closed! So, I’ve gone fabricless for a few years. Now I’m back in business!) We had pizza and scrumptious sandwiches and chowder for lunch. We drove out to Oceanpark—the northern end of the peninsula and picked up some groceries for dinner. We stopped at the yarn store and Sarah picked out some pink yarn for a hat and scarf. (I started and finished a hat for myself on the trip, so Sarah wanted one for herself, too. When I got that done, Gabriel asked me: “Do you have any blue yarn?” I also worked on Elijah’s purple blanket.) We drove out on the beach for a little while, but the sand was way too fluffy and we really had no business out on the sand in that whether… Did I mention that it was raining ALL DAY Saturday?! In fact, we usually hike at Lead Better State Park, but we were not in any mood to be outside that day, so we skipped it.
When we got back to the campsite, Rick started a fire, Luke made friends with the little boy next door, and I made yummy camping dinner. I just made top ramen, camping toast, a bagged salad kit and sautéed vegetables. Simple food, but it tastes so good when we’re outside! After dinner, we ate lots of that fudge. I washed dishes while the kids played hide and seek in the yurt (basically they just turned off the light, screamed and giggled a lot). Then we all crashed in warm, dry, fairly comfortable yurt beds.
It rained and rained and rained all night long. The raccoons tried to make away with our cooler. I had to go to the bathroom way too many times for camping. Then we woke up to a beautiful dry day. We had a fabulous breakfast in town and then climbed around on the jetty, under a perfect blue sky. We saw seals (or sea lions?) playing in the surf. I got sprayed by a wave—Sarah got SOAKED! Then, on our way home, Rick found some cash in the van’s sun visor that my mom had given us for our trip to Hawaii… What a weekend!
What I love most about this weekend—aside from spending it with my 5 most favorite people—is that it all worked out. We spent way too much money. We didn’t get out of town when we wanted to. The weather totally sucked. There were complications and surprises and changes in the plan more times than I can remember. And it all worked out. The kids rolled with it and just enjoyed the ride. Rick and I stayed calm and pleasant with each other the entire time. I don’t even think either of us got irritated by the chaos. The weekend was such a microcosm of our marriage and family. Shit happens. Things don’t always turn out like we wanted. Plans change. The weather usually sucks. And we all have a good time together, despite it all. Then we wake up to sunny skies and are a better family for it. Things have not always been this way—does anyone remember Vernonia Happy Days?! Or the cabin in La Pine??!?!? But Rick and I are growing as a couple. Our children are growing as siblings and as individuals. Life is good. Not always smooth and flawless. Well, never smooth and flawless. But rich and wonderful!
Happy 14th Anniversary Schmoopy! I love you…
About Me
- BeachBrenda
- I am a... child of God, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, counselor...
Monday, October 11, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Life's Tough
There are days when my life is so perfect, I almost feel guilty for somehow steeling joy from others. On other days, I feel like I do more than humanly possible, only to be put upon to do more. Today was one of those days. I made the mistake of agreeing to make 8 custom-fitted dresses for an upcoming wedding. I have a husband, four kids, a full-time job and a life. What was I thinking?! I have made a rough schedule for myself over the next several days, mapping out what will be done on the dresses each day. I am keeping up on the regular household chores. I am mothering my children. Nurturing my marriage. Playing with my friends. Fulfilling my Church calling. And even spoiling my Job Corps students.
This afternoon I actually felt elated by the sheer volume of tasks I am able to accomplish in a 24-hour period. And then I returned to work for my evening shift and was met with a totally self-absorbed, completely insensitive young woman who was put out that I made brownies instead of maraschino cherry cake. She made her displeasure known to the entire group. This is a student with whom I am close, which is probably why it bothered me so much. When I dislike a person, I pay little attention to their opinions. But I have invested a lot into my relationship with this young lady. And she was a total terd! I was pissed! Then hurt. And now resolved to accept that this job is not always as rewarding as I’d like it to be. And that the real work is being done within the walls of my own home.
Of course, then that send me down the I-wish-I-could-still-be-home-with –my-kids road… and that’s a painful ride. BUT, the bills don’t pay themselves, so here I am, stuck at work on an evening I’d rather be home with my family. My groups are done. My paperwork is all caught up. And still I sit here, in this tiny office, all alone. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my alone time. But I have kids at home who really need me and for whom I can do more good than my students. Like I said, most days I am overwhelmed by the blessedness of my life. Tonight I’m just a little uneasy with my paying job. I miss my kids and my husband and my home. Oh, woe is me…
This afternoon I actually felt elated by the sheer volume of tasks I am able to accomplish in a 24-hour period. And then I returned to work for my evening shift and was met with a totally self-absorbed, completely insensitive young woman who was put out that I made brownies instead of maraschino cherry cake. She made her displeasure known to the entire group. This is a student with whom I am close, which is probably why it bothered me so much. When I dislike a person, I pay little attention to their opinions. But I have invested a lot into my relationship with this young lady. And she was a total terd! I was pissed! Then hurt. And now resolved to accept that this job is not always as rewarding as I’d like it to be. And that the real work is being done within the walls of my own home.
Of course, then that send me down the I-wish-I-could-still-be-home-with –my-kids road… and that’s a painful ride. BUT, the bills don’t pay themselves, so here I am, stuck at work on an evening I’d rather be home with my family. My groups are done. My paperwork is all caught up. And still I sit here, in this tiny office, all alone. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my alone time. But I have kids at home who really need me and for whom I can do more good than my students. Like I said, most days I am overwhelmed by the blessedness of my life. Tonight I’m just a little uneasy with my paying job. I miss my kids and my husband and my home. Oh, woe is me…
20-year High School Reunion...
Friday night was my 20-year high school reunion. 20 years?! I don’t feel like I’m much older than 20 years, most of the time. But there I was, with fellow graduates, catching up on 10-20 years (some of us attended the 10-year reunion a decade ago) of memories. The best part of the evening was catching up with my best friend from Jr High and meeting her charming husband. I also enjoyed seeing faces I barely recognized and of course, hanging out with the friends I’ve stayed close to all these years. The worst part about the reunion was being one of the biggest girls there. What more can I say? Being over-weight is rarely fun….
Two things were remarkable to me as I scanned the crowd of familiar and not-so-familiar faces… The men, for the most part, looked really really old. Mostly because of bald heads. And the women, for the most part, had all dyed their hair blonde. It was actually difficult to recognize a lot of people because of their drastically different hair-do’s. Another remarkable thing (I guess there were more than 2…) was this: Jonah and Chris W. looked virtually unchanged and still cute (and completely aware of their affect on the ladies) as can be. Some things never change.
There was, as expected, a lot of drinking going on. As the evening wore on and I watched more and more people stagger and slur, I started to worry that there were not enough designated drivers in the group. I just don’t spend much time around people who drink too much. Most of my family is LDS, lots of friends don’t drink (Mormon and non) and my husband (I sure hope) has learned NOT to get drunk in my presence. The effects of alcohol on a person’s functioning can be startling. And sometimes amusing. But mostly just annoying. And sad.
The dinner was tasty. Standard buffet dinner. Rolls with butter, fruit, Caesar salad (with super yummy croutons), steamed veggies (I do not eat enough cauliflower), chicken breast with wild rice and prime rib. I took one plate of food, filled mostly with fruit and veggies. I ate every delicious bite and that was it. I was done after that. No second (or third) helpings. No dessert. 2 Pepsi’s and a virgin Mai Tai (okay, folks, I just had to look that up on the internet. I didn’t know how to spell Mai Tai). I also had 2 diet pills that day, so my drive home was effortless….
I made it home right after 2am. Everyone seemed quite shocked that I was driving home (2 hours away) that night. But when I spoke with my friends the next day, many of them stayed out until 1am or later, getting them to bed around the same time as me… Granted, they had less of a commute, so less chance of wrapping themselves around a tree. But I did fine. I rocked out on my iPod (no stereo in my Barneymobile) and actually had a little trouble winding down when I climbed into bed. My arrival woke Rick up, so we chatted for a few minutes. But then it still took my mind several minutes to shut down. The Pepsi and diet pills might have had something to do with that…
The next day, the family piled into the van and we drove back to Beaverton for my grade school reunion at Raleigh Park Elementary School. It was pretty darn fun. The school playground looks totally different… Go figure-it’s been 25 years! But there was still the metal jungle gym and monkey bars. Although, they were a lot taller when were in school there. A handful of Raleigh Park alumni showed up with their spouses and children.
A small group of us girls have stayed close all these years (we’re actually the ones who organized this event) and we frequently kid around about the boys we liked. TJ, the boy I had a massive crush on, was there. It was a little strange, but totally nice to chat with him on an adult level, without all the butterflies. Another heart throb from grade school, Troy, was also there. Both men were very friendly guys…. So much more approachable than they were in 6th grade!
It was fun to meet spouses, to hear what everyone has been up to, to watch our children play together in the same school yard we played together in. And it was awesome to see the walls come down. Even with all the drinking, there were still a lot of walls up at the high school reunion the night before. (Although, I am happy to report that the girl who was RUDE to me at the 10-year, for reasons unknown to me, actually said “hi” and hugged me at the 20-year) That wasn’t really the case at the grade school. We were just a group of old friends, getting together to chat and eat and enjoy one another. We were all grown ups. Weird!!
And the best part…. It won’t end there. We plan on making this reunion thing a regular event. Every summer. Reliving our youth. I’m curious to see how much more ‘blonde’ hair we will be seeing over the next decade, until we all meet up again for the 30-year high school reunion. But that’s a long way off…
Two things were remarkable to me as I scanned the crowd of familiar and not-so-familiar faces… The men, for the most part, looked really really old. Mostly because of bald heads. And the women, for the most part, had all dyed their hair blonde. It was actually difficult to recognize a lot of people because of their drastically different hair-do’s. Another remarkable thing (I guess there were more than 2…) was this: Jonah and Chris W. looked virtually unchanged and still cute (and completely aware of their affect on the ladies) as can be. Some things never change.
There was, as expected, a lot of drinking going on. As the evening wore on and I watched more and more people stagger and slur, I started to worry that there were not enough designated drivers in the group. I just don’t spend much time around people who drink too much. Most of my family is LDS, lots of friends don’t drink (Mormon and non) and my husband (I sure hope) has learned NOT to get drunk in my presence. The effects of alcohol on a person’s functioning can be startling. And sometimes amusing. But mostly just annoying. And sad.
The dinner was tasty. Standard buffet dinner. Rolls with butter, fruit, Caesar salad (with super yummy croutons), steamed veggies (I do not eat enough cauliflower), chicken breast with wild rice and prime rib. I took one plate of food, filled mostly with fruit and veggies. I ate every delicious bite and that was it. I was done after that. No second (or third) helpings. No dessert. 2 Pepsi’s and a virgin Mai Tai (okay, folks, I just had to look that up on the internet. I didn’t know how to spell Mai Tai). I also had 2 diet pills that day, so my drive home was effortless….
I made it home right after 2am. Everyone seemed quite shocked that I was driving home (2 hours away) that night. But when I spoke with my friends the next day, many of them stayed out until 1am or later, getting them to bed around the same time as me… Granted, they had less of a commute, so less chance of wrapping themselves around a tree. But I did fine. I rocked out on my iPod (no stereo in my Barneymobile) and actually had a little trouble winding down when I climbed into bed. My arrival woke Rick up, so we chatted for a few minutes. But then it still took my mind several minutes to shut down. The Pepsi and diet pills might have had something to do with that…
The next day, the family piled into the van and we drove back to Beaverton for my grade school reunion at Raleigh Park Elementary School. It was pretty darn fun. The school playground looks totally different… Go figure-it’s been 25 years! But there was still the metal jungle gym and monkey bars. Although, they were a lot taller when were in school there. A handful of Raleigh Park alumni showed up with their spouses and children.
A small group of us girls have stayed close all these years (we’re actually the ones who organized this event) and we frequently kid around about the boys we liked. TJ, the boy I had a massive crush on, was there. It was a little strange, but totally nice to chat with him on an adult level, without all the butterflies. Another heart throb from grade school, Troy, was also there. Both men were very friendly guys…. So much more approachable than they were in 6th grade!
It was fun to meet spouses, to hear what everyone has been up to, to watch our children play together in the same school yard we played together in. And it was awesome to see the walls come down. Even with all the drinking, there were still a lot of walls up at the high school reunion the night before. (Although, I am happy to report that the girl who was RUDE to me at the 10-year, for reasons unknown to me, actually said “hi” and hugged me at the 20-year) That wasn’t really the case at the grade school. We were just a group of old friends, getting together to chat and eat and enjoy one another. We were all grown ups. Weird!!
And the best part…. It won’t end there. We plan on making this reunion thing a regular event. Every summer. Reliving our youth. I’m curious to see how much more ‘blonde’ hair we will be seeing over the next decade, until we all meet up again for the 30-year high school reunion. But that’s a long way off…
Diet Pills
So, I participated in Weight Watchers online for over a year. I lost 10 lbs. At first, this was acceptable to me… A slow, steady decline on the scale was awesome. I am 10 lbs lighter than I was a year ago. I am heading in the right direction. But then I hit a plateau. I would lose and gain back the same four pounds, week after week. THAT was AWFUL! Then I hurt my back, and I’ve been off track ever since. I am still not exercising like I did before my back injury. I have started walking with the kids in the evenings, so I am getting back on it, but with summer and all the trips we’re taking, I feel like I have no time to exercise, no energy to cook anything and too tired to get up early to work out. I can’t bring myself to use the Weight Watcher’s website. I’m sick of recording everything I eat.
So, I have started taking diet pills. I have been adamant about not taking anything like that. It’s expensive, dangerous, unhealthy, addictive and has seemed like cheating to me. BUT, I can’t do this on my own. I am addicted to over-eating. My eating habits are already unhealthy. So, I am trying this… I asked a friend about her experience with diet pills. “Psychotic” is the word she used to describe how they made her feel. It was nice to get an honest perspective. And I love that she gave me her report without trying to talk me out of it. It was refreshing to have an adult conversation with her about something so controversial.
I spent about 20 minutes in the store, reading all the labels before deciding on a product. That stuff is expensive! I picked one that seems to have a lot of “natural” ingredients—whatever that means! It seems to be working, though. I am eating less when I take it. (Cousin Camp sort of threw me off. The food options are not all that healthy. I will have to bring my own next year—I definitely need more whole grains and fiber in my day!) I think I will plan to take a few days off every week, just so I don’t overload my system. And really focus on the days I need it most—weekends and upcoming events like dinner out with family and my high school reunion. I do feel a little dizzy and I am thirsty. But if it helps me stop eating so much and lose some weight, then it’s worth it to me!
So, I have started taking diet pills. I have been adamant about not taking anything like that. It’s expensive, dangerous, unhealthy, addictive and has seemed like cheating to me. BUT, I can’t do this on my own. I am addicted to over-eating. My eating habits are already unhealthy. So, I am trying this… I asked a friend about her experience with diet pills. “Psychotic” is the word she used to describe how they made her feel. It was nice to get an honest perspective. And I love that she gave me her report without trying to talk me out of it. It was refreshing to have an adult conversation with her about something so controversial.
I spent about 20 minutes in the store, reading all the labels before deciding on a product. That stuff is expensive! I picked one that seems to have a lot of “natural” ingredients—whatever that means! It seems to be working, though. I am eating less when I take it. (Cousin Camp sort of threw me off. The food options are not all that healthy. I will have to bring my own next year—I definitely need more whole grains and fiber in my day!) I think I will plan to take a few days off every week, just so I don’t overload my system. And really focus on the days I need it most—weekends and upcoming events like dinner out with family and my high school reunion. I do feel a little dizzy and I am thirsty. But if it helps me stop eating so much and lose some weight, then it’s worth it to me!
Cousin Camp 2010: Under the Big Top
I know I am supposed to be blogging about my trip to Hawaii, but I just got back from cousin camp and I want to get it all out. Cousin camp was surprisingly smooth and calm this year. I really worked myself up into a frenzy about it before going, so maybe just the reality of the situation being less stressful than my fears was enough. But I think there was more to it than that.
First of all, the children are getting older, more helpful and independent, easier to work with and just more mature. That alone makes everything easier! Another factor was that Kala no longer lives in Camas, so it’s not her home being invaded. I think that takes a lot of pressure off of her. Also with her not living here, she has delegated the load to the rest of us, which really needed to happen years ago. But she has such a hard time letting go…. Now she is finally able to do so.
Lawan was in charge of the crafts this year and it went great. Kala is still in charge of the food and she has it down to a science. We had more gluten free options for Sarah this year, as Kala’s daughter is also gluten free. We did miss the GF pancakes, though… A mistake we will not be making again next year! I did the shirts again—I LOVE that job! The older kids were a great help this year, too. The teenagers can help run craft groups and Mikyla was a huge help to grandma in the kitchen. And the bigger boys are great at leading games and fun activities with all the younger kids.
The weather was awesome this year, so the kids got to take full advantage of the pool. And everything stayed dry because it wasn’t raining on us! This year’s theme was circus—under the big top, and it was fine. I think the kids are really growing up and away from the themes… We’ve batted around the idea of “robots” for next year… The kids can build robots out of boxes and stuff like that. Maybe we can even skip the whole Oriental Trading thing!?
First of all, the children are getting older, more helpful and independent, easier to work with and just more mature. That alone makes everything easier! Another factor was that Kala no longer lives in Camas, so it’s not her home being invaded. I think that takes a lot of pressure off of her. Also with her not living here, she has delegated the load to the rest of us, which really needed to happen years ago. But she has such a hard time letting go…. Now she is finally able to do so.
Lawan was in charge of the crafts this year and it went great. Kala is still in charge of the food and she has it down to a science. We had more gluten free options for Sarah this year, as Kala’s daughter is also gluten free. We did miss the GF pancakes, though… A mistake we will not be making again next year! I did the shirts again—I LOVE that job! The older kids were a great help this year, too. The teenagers can help run craft groups and Mikyla was a huge help to grandma in the kitchen. And the bigger boys are great at leading games and fun activities with all the younger kids.
The weather was awesome this year, so the kids got to take full advantage of the pool. And everything stayed dry because it wasn’t raining on us! This year’s theme was circus—under the big top, and it was fine. I think the kids are really growing up and away from the themes… We’ve batted around the idea of “robots” for next year… The kids can build robots out of boxes and stuff like that. Maybe we can even skip the whole Oriental Trading thing!?
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
No More Babies on Board...
Okay, I know I’m supposed to be blogging about Hawaii (before I forget all those details) but I had a strange dream last night. Often times, I have lucid dreams—I am aware, while I am dreaming, that my body is laying in bed asleep and the images I am seeing are in my mind. Other times, my dreams seem so real that I wake up worried and wondering. You know, dreams where your spouse cheats on you and you wake up totally pissed off? This morning I had one such dream. But not about infidelity. And not about Rick.
In my dream I still had my first car—Sassy B. She was a 1980’s Toyota Corolla Wagon. I was driving around in Las Vegas, visiting my college roommate Amy (who has lived in Idaho for like five years now). Two of my kids were buckled up in the back, Luke and Elijah. Sarah was in the front seat. Gabriel was not with us. He was at camp, which he is this week. Above Sarah, buckled into the seat, was a baby car seat with Luke as an infant in it. When I saw him, I immediately thought, “Oh my gosh, I haven’t seen him in so long. I haven’t been taking care of him. I haven’t held him or fed him or changed him in like forever.” My dream went on in weirdness, as dreams do. At one point I was walking with a random Job Corps student. We both had luggage and we were on our way to the airport in Vegas. I thought I knew the way because I had gone there so many times to visit Amy (We always drove down from Provo. I don’t think I was ever in the Vegas airport in college.). We were hiking up these long, gravel roads to get there and I got lost. I couldn’t figure out how to get back, so I called Amy. She showed up and lead the way, past a large pink, marble building which she reminded me was the location of her wedding reception (Her reception was in a Mormon church building. Not pink. No marble.) Anyway….
What really got to me about the dream is that I woke up feeling like I had been neglecting Luke. Like I really hadn’t held him or spent any time caring for him. I even sort of felt like he was still an infant. At first, I was afraid that the dream was telling me to spend more time with a child I’ve been neglecting. This really had me worried because I’ve already lost this kid—literally—a couple times before. And he’s the youngest, so he is already naturally getting less from me than his siblings before him at the same age. I’ve also already lost a baby in infancy, so I am prone to bouts of seemingly inexplicable mourning.
But then as I started to really wake up and go about my morning, I was able to process the dream. Luke is 5 years old now. He starts kindergarten next month! We went school clothes shopping yesterday. Carter’s and Osh Kosh were having a great sale, with a coupon I could piggyback on the sale (but I digress—screaming deals on kids’ clothes is a blog all it’s own!) Anyway, both of these stores are only good up to a certain age/size. So, my dream was not about my lack of parenting. It was about my loss… I am losing my babies. Luke has completely mastered potty training this summer--He wears undies to bed and wakes up dry (WHOOP WHOOP). He is not asking for “babas” (warm milk in a sippy cup). All the kids did such a great job of self-managing at cousin camp this year! Gabriel is away at his first boy scout camp… for a whole week! The kids are growing up. I’ve lost my babies.
I love that my children are growing up. I’m done with bottles and binkies and diapers. That is totally awesome! But there’s a part of me that mourns the loss of that tiny, little baby I saw in the car seat last night in my dream. I held that baby in my arms and didn’t want to let go. It brings tears to my eyes now to think that I will never have those teeny, tiny infants in my arms again. I don’t even really like babies. They are so high maintenance! But I will miss them nonetheless. I look forward to watching them continue to grow and mature and amaze the world. And I look back on their beginnings with fondness and a small sense of loss. Now I know why grandmas are so irrationally gaga over their grandbabies! But Gabriel’s only 12 years old, so I figure I’ve got more than a decade to wait for that adventure… maybe I should start making baby blankets now…
In my dream I still had my first car—Sassy B. She was a 1980’s Toyota Corolla Wagon. I was driving around in Las Vegas, visiting my college roommate Amy (who has lived in Idaho for like five years now). Two of my kids were buckled up in the back, Luke and Elijah. Sarah was in the front seat. Gabriel was not with us. He was at camp, which he is this week. Above Sarah, buckled into the seat, was a baby car seat with Luke as an infant in it. When I saw him, I immediately thought, “Oh my gosh, I haven’t seen him in so long. I haven’t been taking care of him. I haven’t held him or fed him or changed him in like forever.” My dream went on in weirdness, as dreams do. At one point I was walking with a random Job Corps student. We both had luggage and we were on our way to the airport in Vegas. I thought I knew the way because I had gone there so many times to visit Amy (We always drove down from Provo. I don’t think I was ever in the Vegas airport in college.). We were hiking up these long, gravel roads to get there and I got lost. I couldn’t figure out how to get back, so I called Amy. She showed up and lead the way, past a large pink, marble building which she reminded me was the location of her wedding reception (Her reception was in a Mormon church building. Not pink. No marble.) Anyway….
What really got to me about the dream is that I woke up feeling like I had been neglecting Luke. Like I really hadn’t held him or spent any time caring for him. I even sort of felt like he was still an infant. At first, I was afraid that the dream was telling me to spend more time with a child I’ve been neglecting. This really had me worried because I’ve already lost this kid—literally—a couple times before. And he’s the youngest, so he is already naturally getting less from me than his siblings before him at the same age. I’ve also already lost a baby in infancy, so I am prone to bouts of seemingly inexplicable mourning.
But then as I started to really wake up and go about my morning, I was able to process the dream. Luke is 5 years old now. He starts kindergarten next month! We went school clothes shopping yesterday. Carter’s and Osh Kosh were having a great sale, with a coupon I could piggyback on the sale (but I digress—screaming deals on kids’ clothes is a blog all it’s own!) Anyway, both of these stores are only good up to a certain age/size. So, my dream was not about my lack of parenting. It was about my loss… I am losing my babies. Luke has completely mastered potty training this summer--He wears undies to bed and wakes up dry (WHOOP WHOOP). He is not asking for “babas” (warm milk in a sippy cup). All the kids did such a great job of self-managing at cousin camp this year! Gabriel is away at his first boy scout camp… for a whole week! The kids are growing up. I’ve lost my babies.
I love that my children are growing up. I’m done with bottles and binkies and diapers. That is totally awesome! But there’s a part of me that mourns the loss of that tiny, little baby I saw in the car seat last night in my dream. I held that baby in my arms and didn’t want to let go. It brings tears to my eyes now to think that I will never have those teeny, tiny infants in my arms again. I don’t even really like babies. They are so high maintenance! But I will miss them nonetheless. I look forward to watching them continue to grow and mature and amaze the world. And I look back on their beginnings with fondness and a small sense of loss. Now I know why grandmas are so irrationally gaga over their grandbabies! But Gabriel’s only 12 years old, so I figure I’ve got more than a decade to wait for that adventure… maybe I should start making baby blankets now…
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Hawaii Blog #1
Our family took the trip of a lifetime to Hawaii. The purpose of the trip was to attend the wedding of a dear friend, Katrina, and her husband Aaron. Since this was the whole point of the trip, I guess I’ll start here.
Aaron and Katrina were married on the beach, in a city park called Ewa (eva) Beach on the island of Oahu. The ceremony was right on the sand, just feet from the mighty Pacific Ocean. Along with my family (the only non-family members in attendance), Aaron’s parents and sister were there. Katrina’s mom, dad, bio-dad, maternal grandparents, sister and her family, aunt Daintry (the gracious hostess of the whole event), aunt Sarah & cousin Parker, uncle Rick & his family, plus Aaron & Katrina’s children Kaden and Raven were all there.
Katrina is Baha’i (a non-Christian religion formed in the middle east in the 1800’s) and Aaron is Christian. Much of Katrina’s family is Baha’i but her bio dad (who was in attendance) is Christian. In the Baha’i faith, parental consent from all living parents is a required element. In Hawaii, specifically, written permission is required. Katrina’s dad, Randy, was not thrilled with the idea of giving written permission to a non-Christian religious organization. It seems to me that his concerns were based in fear and ignorance. I think he simply did not want to admonish his own beliefs and give credence to an “invalid” religion. He made these reservations known a few days prior to Katrina’s departure and she was in a panic about the whole thing. Randy finally agreed. He not only provided his written consent, he also attended and participated in the ceremony. The two faiths were beautifully incorporated into the wedding. Each parent shared a little from his/her faith. Aaron and Katrina wrote their own vows and were able to choke them out to one another without too much crying. I was crying the whole time, holding the hand of my own betrothed, watching our children play in the sand during the ceremony. It was a wonderful moment in my life. I always enjoy celebrating someone’s marriage with the love of my own family around me.
Many coworkers and students have asked how the wedding was… the most common question being: Was Katrina beautiful? I find this to be a ridiculously silly question. Katrina IS beautiful. She could wake up in an alleyway, covered in filth and still be beautiful. So, of course, with a formal wedding gown, her hair and make-up done just so and the glow of a new bride—she was gorgeous. But in my eyes, and hopefully Aaron’s, she didn’t look any more or less stunning than she always is…
Now, on to the funny part of the ceremony… Katrina has yelled at me several times about my rendition of the tale! Katrina planned to come into the ceremony on an outrigger, but the surf was rough and the boat guys discouraged her from doing this, so Katrina just walked down the beach toward Aaron, with all of us lining the walkway. After the ceremony, Aaron and Katrina took a ride out on the canoe and Aaron got a Splash Mountain wave right in the face. His beige, linen suit was wet in the front and a little awkward for photos… Then Katrina took the boat out by herself (with the large Hawaiian rowers, too, of course). The plan was to edit the wedding video that will be played at the reception such that it appears Katrina came into the ceremony on the outrigger and the newlywed couple went out together after the ceremony. BUT (this is the part I got yelled at for sharing) … the boat sank! A wave hit the canoe just right and it filled with water. Katrina was standing in the Pacific Ocean, in a formal wedding gown, up to her neck in the surf. I thought it was a splendid ending to an otherwise perfect wedding day! And it makes a great story to tell, whether the bride agrees with me or not!…
Aaron and Katrina were married on the beach, in a city park called Ewa (eva) Beach on the island of Oahu. The ceremony was right on the sand, just feet from the mighty Pacific Ocean. Along with my family (the only non-family members in attendance), Aaron’s parents and sister were there. Katrina’s mom, dad, bio-dad, maternal grandparents, sister and her family, aunt Daintry (the gracious hostess of the whole event), aunt Sarah & cousin Parker, uncle Rick & his family, plus Aaron & Katrina’s children Kaden and Raven were all there.
Katrina is Baha’i (a non-Christian religion formed in the middle east in the 1800’s) and Aaron is Christian. Much of Katrina’s family is Baha’i but her bio dad (who was in attendance) is Christian. In the Baha’i faith, parental consent from all living parents is a required element. In Hawaii, specifically, written permission is required. Katrina’s dad, Randy, was not thrilled with the idea of giving written permission to a non-Christian religious organization. It seems to me that his concerns were based in fear and ignorance. I think he simply did not want to admonish his own beliefs and give credence to an “invalid” religion. He made these reservations known a few days prior to Katrina’s departure and she was in a panic about the whole thing. Randy finally agreed. He not only provided his written consent, he also attended and participated in the ceremony. The two faiths were beautifully incorporated into the wedding. Each parent shared a little from his/her faith. Aaron and Katrina wrote their own vows and were able to choke them out to one another without too much crying. I was crying the whole time, holding the hand of my own betrothed, watching our children play in the sand during the ceremony. It was a wonderful moment in my life. I always enjoy celebrating someone’s marriage with the love of my own family around me.
Many coworkers and students have asked how the wedding was… the most common question being: Was Katrina beautiful? I find this to be a ridiculously silly question. Katrina IS beautiful. She could wake up in an alleyway, covered in filth and still be beautiful. So, of course, with a formal wedding gown, her hair and make-up done just so and the glow of a new bride—she was gorgeous. But in my eyes, and hopefully Aaron’s, she didn’t look any more or less stunning than she always is…
Now, on to the funny part of the ceremony… Katrina has yelled at me several times about my rendition of the tale! Katrina planned to come into the ceremony on an outrigger, but the surf was rough and the boat guys discouraged her from doing this, so Katrina just walked down the beach toward Aaron, with all of us lining the walkway. After the ceremony, Aaron and Katrina took a ride out on the canoe and Aaron got a Splash Mountain wave right in the face. His beige, linen suit was wet in the front and a little awkward for photos… Then Katrina took the boat out by herself (with the large Hawaiian rowers, too, of course). The plan was to edit the wedding video that will be played at the reception such that it appears Katrina came into the ceremony on the outrigger and the newlywed couple went out together after the ceremony. BUT (this is the part I got yelled at for sharing) … the boat sank! A wave hit the canoe just right and it filled with water. Katrina was standing in the Pacific Ocean, in a formal wedding gown, up to her neck in the surf. I thought it was a splendid ending to an otherwise perfect wedding day! And it makes a great story to tell, whether the bride agrees with me or not!…
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